My Heart By Samantha Label email: lita_chan4@hotmail.com © Samantha Label 2002 Dedicated to anyone who's ever been alone on Valentine's Day. Your Venus Crystal, Mina. I never saw you look at me like that before, Artemis. Maybe you had, though. Maybe I just didn't notice. It wouldn't be the first time. I was so wrapped up in myself. Like always. And you were the one who lifted me up. You kept me from falling apart. Is it because we're partners? Is it because you're my guardian as a Sailor Senshi? Or is it something else...? I don't know anymore. I saw you--I saw that crescent moon shining on your forehead. I saw your eyes, focused on me, burning into me. I saw the way you cared for me. I saw that Venus Crystal--my Venus Crystal--in your hands. I can't believe I never saw it before. I love you, Artemis. I bet I sound like such a fool. "I love you." How many times have I said that, to how many people? Does it even mean anything anymore? Would you even believe me, if I said that to you? I hardly believe those words, coming from me. I don't trust it. Insincerity is like my lifestyle, it seems. You'd probably laugh it off. Or make some snide remark. I wouldn't blame you. "Senshi of Love," indeed. Funny how I fight for love and don't have any of my own, isn't it? It's even funnier how I pretend to know what it is. Idiot that I am. I think I've loved people, Artemis. I loved Serenity, you know. She'll never know. I was too much of a coward to ever bring it up. Or maybe I never said anything because I knew it wasn't true. Is there any way for me to tell? It was thousands of years ago, after all. But somehow, something makes me think it was real. That's why it hurt so much... I found something out then. I realized that nothing hurts worse than loving someone who doesn't love you. Well, not quite. I think she did love me. But not like that. Not the way I wanted. It was a whole lifetime ago, but I still remember what she said. Things like that tend to stick with a person. Venus...You've never truly fallen in love! You don't know my feelings! Of course I didn't. I couldn't understand, because she was loved back. She felt loved. Perhaps it was that she didn't understand my feelings. She didn't know what it's like to pine. She probably still doesn't know. Because she's still loved. Has she ever been alone? Like me? That was harsh of me. I couldn't ever expect Serenity--Usagi-chan--to love me that way. I know better. I know that she was meant for that one person. That person wasn't me. C'est la vie. Maybe that's why I was drawn to Kunzite. Because he knew that feeling, too. I think he loved Endymion. I think they all did. Just like me, he wanted someone that was meant for another. And it hurt. It hurt a lot. Kunzite...I don't know if I ever felt much for him. But he was a kindred spirit, you know? We could share our pain, and get rid of our loneliness. Problem was, it didn't work. I was still lonely. I could be with him all I wanted, and it wasn't enough. I looked up at him and saw my Princess. Sick, in a way. I wonder if he thought of Endymion those nights. How could I blame him? I was no better. Is that the kind of pain I've caused you, Artemis? Is that why Kaitou Ace became Danburite? I don't know if I can bear that. I resented my love for Serenity, because nothing would ever, ever come of it. Did you think of me that way? Did he? God, I hated him. Your love will be hopeless for all eternity. I hated him for saying that. I hated him for loving me. For making me realize what a hypocrite I was. How dare he love me from afar. It wasn't fair, how he saw me. As this unattainable love. I wasn't the unattainable one. Was I? Could anyone harbor feelings like that for me? You know what, he did. And it WASN'T FAIR. What kind of world is this, where people can fall so hopelessly in love? Why is destiny playing this cruel joke on me? Why couldn't Ace and I have been together...been HAPPY?! And we could have escaped all that heartbreak! For a long time, I took the easy route, and blamed him for that. I thought my misfortune in love was that damn fortune's fault. If he had never shown me that ace of hearts... But that's a cop-out, and I know it. What he said didn't matter. I could have never met Ace. I could have never found out about Adonis. And my life would still be the way it is--I'd be struggling to find love and fight for it at the same time. Others can do it-- Usagi-chan does it--but I can't. Fate had already been sealed for me, a long time before that. Now that I think about it, I should thank Ace. He woke me up--he made me realize what my life was going to be like. Love lost after love lost. My vicious cycle. What I can't stand anymore, what drives me crazy, is to think that you still feel that way. And that I still feel that way for you. Artemis. We're partners, but we can never be lovers. I hate that. I think of those eyes, and I hate that they held love for me. It's not fair to you. Would it sound funny if I told you I was jealous of Luna? Jealous of a cat. That's really pathetic. But it's true. Luna is representative of every reason I can't love you. You're hers, not mine, and that's the way it is, right? Diana is proof of that. Just like ChibiUsa is proof that I can't have Serenity. Luna and Diana are your future, they're your life. I don't have a place there. Not the way I want to. But I shouldn't complain, huh? After all, there are people who love me. You. Mako-chan, Rei-chan, Ami-chan. Usagi-chan. You all care about me. You would all shed tears if I died. It's not enough, though. It's not enough for me to have people who "care." What I want...what I want is someone who sees me as number one! Someone who would die just for me. We would all die to save Usagi-chan. We all have. She's number one to us. But we'll never be that way to her, and it kills me. Mamoru-san is her one and only, and the rest of us have to deal with it. That would be easier if I had someone, too. I know that can't be you. But I think about who's been there for me. I've been so lonely for so long, and I never even noticed you were there to keep me company. You're the one I find sleeping on my pillow when I come home. You're the one who rides in my basket when I ride my bike to the top of the hill, and I feed you fish while we stare at the sky. You're the one who falls asleep in my lap. And I never, ever appreciated that. Now it's too late to say sorry, I suppose. Because I'm not number one to you, either. God, why does this happen? I always catch on just a little too late. I always miss love by just a fraction of a second. And it's always, ALWAYS my fault. Forgive me, Artemis. Forgive me for loving you too late. Aishiteru.